Quality reviews of computer and video games, from Pong and Pac-Man to present.

5 / 22 / 2015

Gettin' our Groader Groove back today with some terrible "adult" games. As always, pics are censored and on the tame side, but seriously, don't get fired over something this ridiculous.

Become Tentacle, Destroy Town (PC, 0/5) is really much more about the Tentacle than the demolition aspect. Then you've got MILF Warrior (PC, 1/5), which will give you fond memories of the hard-working summers of your youth, when bored housewives would perform lascivious acts on your lawnmower while you watched in utter perplexitude.

5 / 18 / 2015

Sonicu! A rare dip back into the sometimes troubling world of the Blue Hedgehog with Sonic and All-Stars Racing Transformed (PC, 4/5) and Sonic Generations (PC, 2/5). The former is maybe the first great kart racer available for the PC. The latter ... ehh. About what you expect from the platforming end of the franchise anymore.

5 / 11 /

Alright, just a little more platforming. Beatbuddy: Tale of the Guardians (PC, 4/5) is kinda like a more casual Ecco the Dolphin. And Ape Escape (PS1, 3/5) is a great franchise, though this first entry hasn't aged tremendously well.

5 / 7 / 2015

On a bit of a platforming jag at the moment. The Swapper (PC, 4/5) is a surprisingly good game inspired by Metroid but not really playing much like it, and Starseed Pilgrim (PC, 3/5) is one of *those* indie games, but I actually thought the core concept was pretty good.

5 / 1 / 2015

Somewhat unconventional platforming for the PC today with Trine (3/5), which is kinda like The Lost Vikings but with all three characters crammed into one body, and Giana Sisters: Twisted Dreams (3/5), a nicely polished platformer that gets off to an almost Genesis Sonic-like start but then descends into standard-issue Meat Boy crap.

4 / 19 / 2015

FPS Warriors ... Sniper: Ghost Warrior (PC, 2/5) and Shadow Warrior (PC, 2/5). The old, really racist one, not the new mildly-racist one.

4 / 16 / 2015

Old-school vehicular mayhem is the watchword of the day with Crazy Taxi (PC, 3/5) and Twisted Metal (PS1, 2/5)

4 / 9 / 2015

♫ Gruber's in da heeeart! ♫ Did you know that Lady Miss Kier of the Dee-lites sued Sega for unauthorized use of her image for Ulala? She lost, but man, Konami should thank their stars every day that celebs didn't really notice video games in the 80s and Arnie and Sly didn't sue them into nothingness.

Anyway, Space Channel 5: Ulala's Cosmic Attack (GBA, 0/5) is a pretty wretched port of the first game. And then Sega brought Space Channel 5 2 to PC (3/5), but without first porting the original game, which already had an enhanced port for the PS2 that came packaged with the sequel and also was available in English 'cause it came out in Europe. Standard Sega procedure.

4 / 5 / 2015

"FEESH!" The weather is getting warm again here in the US, the time of year when a young man's fancy turns to fishing. Why go outside if you don't have to, though? Sega Bass Fishing (PC, 3/5) is Sega's digital download port of the arcade/Dreamcast title, and Legend of the River King (Game Boy, 2/5) might be the world's only fishing RPG. I'll get the research team on that. Enjoy your fishing!

4 / 2 / 2015

Dreams dreams. Out of the waking world for a while with NiGHTS Into Dreams (PC, 3/5) and Nemo (Arcade, 3/5).

3 / 26 / 2015

Bitches can't handle my banchosity! Into the world of slouchy Japanese delinquents today with Kenka Bancho: Badass Rumble (PSP, 4/5) and Renegade (Arcade, 2/5). There's no cure for shabazos!

3 / 22 / 2015

Today we have two RPGMaker ... wait wait, don't leave, they really aren't bad! Skyborn (PC, 3/5) is kinda an RPG-lite a la FF Mystic Quest, while Sweet Lily Dreams (PC, 3/5) is more in-depth and throws some surprises your way.

3 / 16 / 2015

I would totally stay at Hotel Dusk (DS, 3/5) for $40 a night. No bedbugs, no rats and roaches, no dealers, no tweakers, no pimps and prostitutes, no screamy couples beating each other up? I travel on a budget a lot and believe me, in the $40 price range that's kind of hard to find.

Also, 999 (DS, 3/5), which nerds are rapturously in love with, but I was kinda disappointed by.

3 / 13 / 2015

Another Friday the 13th is upon us ... time for BUCKETS OF GORE! Well ... maybe more like a sports bottle of gore. Like the ones that you put under your bike.

Shank 2 (PC, 2/5) is honestly something I probably would have never played if it hadn't been included in a bundle with a bunch of stuff I actually wanted to play. It hasn't changed much from the original, so I still don't like it. And I've been meaning to get back around to Locomalito's freeware catalog of games ever since I played (and greatly enjoyed) Maldita Castilla a year or two back. His take on the FPS, 8-Bit Killer (PC, 3/5), wasn't as good but still pretty good, especially if you miss the frantic circle-strafing of the '90s.

3 / 7 / 2015

Fans of uncomfortable metal bikinis, have we got a treat for you today! We're finally cracking into the Valis series, starting with the Sega Genesis ports of the first two games -- Valis (2/5) and Syd of Valis (1/5).

3 / 3 / 2015

His name is Alan Wake (PC, 3/5). He's a wanker.

Actually, this is Sam Lake. At least judging from his Twitter account, Sam is a pretty cool guy. Seems well grounded and has a good sense of humor, not common things for a game designer, especially the ones that hit it big young. Wish I actually enjoyed his games more. Well, there's light at the end of the tunnel with Alan Wake: American Nightmare (PC, 4/5), which I thought improved on the original by embracing the heavy combat nature.

2 / 25 / 2015

Ah, finally ... Rolling Thunder (Arcade, 3/5). I remember playing this on MAME back around 2002-03 or so, then it stopped working with an update ... and never worked again. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the work the MAME devs do for free and all that, but apparently they have some Borg attitude toward development where if a game works in one iteration, it's totally fine with them if it's broken in every future iteration as long as it worked that one time ten years ago, all that matters is Assimilating new games with every update. Anyway, finally found some "new version" floating around that works, so yep.

While we're on the subject of shooty games in the Badass Platformer mold, how about Vice Project Doom (NES, 3/5) as well. Shameless clone of Ninja Gaiden, but at least it has the decency to be fun.

2 / 20 / 2015

Got some strategy-RPGin' goin' on today with Suikoden IV (PS2, 2/5) and Fire Emblem Gaiden (NES, 3/5). Also finally got another article/editorial/whatever up, inspired by this recent fuss over Eurogamer dropping review scores - the site's position paper on the subject, if you will.

2 / 15 / 2015

Today we have JRPG-style games made by Westerners for the PC. Septerra Core (3/5) came out back in the late '90s and was an attempt to do Squaresoft's style of the time, while Space Funeral (NR) is just some guy from Moonside mucking around with RPG Maker.

2 / 10 / 2015

FPS'in it up today with Jedi Knight: Dark Forces 2 (PC, 3/5) and F.E.A.R. (PC, 3/5)

2 / 5 / 2015

I guess today's theme is "chesty women in impractical outfits firing off heavy weaponry." And in that line we have Tomb Raider: Legend (PC, 3/5), first of the series reboots along with Anniversary, and Soldier Girl Amazon (Arcade, 3/5), a pretty shameless clone of Commando but with an Amazonian warrioress toting a laser cannon.

1 / 31 / 2015

oooOOOOooo it's ... not even close to Helloween. Nevertheless, we got Spooks today. One game about micromanaging them, one game about saving girls from them. Don't ask Congress which is which though, they'll have no clue.

Anyway, Ghost Master (PC, 2/5) is kinda like the obscure spiritual sequel to obscure house-haunting game The Haunting Starring Polterguy. Except it somehow makes an RTS out of the Sims engine and has you managing a team of spooky special operatives. And I know that Fingered at Freddy's or whatever is the indie horror hotness right now but instead we're gonna play Night Trap (Sega CD, 2/5), to which it probably owes some debt.

1 / 27 / 2015

♫ You don't have to be lonely ... with hornyfarmers dot cooom! ♫ Singin' songs about the Southland today with Redneck Rampage, a weird experiment with the Duke Nukem 3D engine (PC, 2/5), and The Adventures of Bayou Billy, which I swear I'd reviewed before but apparently not (NES, 1/5). City folks just don't get it!

1 / 23 / 2015

Life is a Japanese time management game. You actually can't blame Japan for Campus (PC, 2/5), which takes the whole "student life visual novel" style but somehow crams it into an engine resembling Fallout 1 and 2. And I don't think Japan is directly responsible for Long Live The Queen either (PC, 3/5), though it rocks the whole moe animu visual novel style. Tempting to compare it to Princess Maker, but it's really a different type of game, and packed with adorable deaths.

1 / 15 / 2015

♫ Swords ... and tequila ... will carry us through the update! ♫ Today we have Brutal Legend (PC, 4/5), rockin' paean to an era that I was just a *little* too young for ... I did like Def Leppard when I was like 8 though. We also have the very obscure Gooka 2: Mystery of Janatris (PC, 3/5), an odd adventure-RPG hybrid based on a fantasy novel series that's big in Czechoslovakia. I can't say it ties in with the metal theme in any way, other than that you're swinging medieval weaponry around and some of the characters look like they could be heshers.

1 / 6 / 2015

Kicking off the new year with FULL SCREEN ANIMATION!!! The Last Express (3/5) and Jack Orlando (2/5) both went hard with the presentation but left something to be desired in the gameplay. Both are adventure games for PC.

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