DASHIN' DESPERADOS / Data East / Sega Genesis

Underneath the corny, twangy music and the cartoony appearance, Dashin' Desperadoes is a depressing metaphor for life as a man in this world. Two buds are so desperate to fulfill their biological urges with a big-tittied blonde bintz that they literally are racing and crawling all over each other to get at her, using bombs and rolling takedowns to slow the other down. The callous woman, of course, enjoys and encourages this behavior, flashing her spritely cleavage at the boys before each level and exhorting them to "Come on!" (to which they dopily reply "UhhhOKAY!") She then sets up shop in some remote location like a Mega Man robot master, and these two poor dopey cowboys immediately set about footracing to her. Even being willing to participate in this ugly display of human behavior and besting the competition is not enough, however, earning the winning cowboy only a chaste kiss on the cheek, before the insatiable cocktease moves off to a new location to repeat this whole farce all over again.

Picture the split-screen levels of the Sonic games from #2 and beyond, except you never move as fast and the two players are trying to fuck each other up rather than co-operate, and you pretty much have this game. A better comparison is actually the rooftop races from Crash N' The Boys Street Challenge for NES, but probably not too many people have played that.

There's solo play and two-player mode. In solo play, you progress through a series of seven worlds, each with some sort of theme like City and Antarctica and whatnot. Each world is further subdivided into three levels. In the first two levels you race, but in the third level, the other dude gets tired of this nonsense and decides to just take the pussy (in Pepe Le Pew style). He drives off with the chick tied up in a car, and you have to follow peppering it with bombs while watching out for environmental obstacles and his attempts to reverse and run you over. Two human players can apparently select levels to race in, but a solo player is stuck starting from the beginning each time and working through all the different worlds in sequential order.

The game is really more fun for two human players than it is to play solo. There's three difficulty settings, and on the Beginner setting you'll easily smoke the computer in the first level, but from then on he has the advantage, and the game gets ludicrous real quick if you set it to either of the higher difficulties. The primary culprit is the "rubber-banding" gameplay style, which causes the computer to start running absolutely perfectly and even sometimes teleport ahead of you when he gets too far behind. The dude is a total douchebag, and when he gets to the end way ahead of you, he'll actually stop and wait for you, then try to bomb or roll you as you pant and heave your way to the finish line, apparently for the lulz. Anyway, as the game moves on the levels become a lot more complex, with tons of traps and pits and tricky jumps, and with the computer running a perfect race and harassing you all the time the game is frustrating a lot more than it is fun.

The game is polished, fairly well-made, and has very appealing and colorful graphics by Genny standards. Without anyone else to reliably play against, though, the game just left me looking for the button to dump this dumb bitch and go find a real woman.

Videos :

* Gameplay Video