HONEY DOLLS / Barko / Arcade


Around my way this one is better known as Servbot's Kinky Quest, and it is probably the most simplistic porn arcade game of all time.

It is basically a block puzzler, but it does have kind of a unique setup. Your little Servbot-on-a-spring flies around a mass of blocks with his jetpack, and punches them to make them travel underneath a platform. The block on the outermost edge of whatever horizontal column you punch is the only one that goes down there, and the idea is to line up three of the same kind. When you do, you get a bonus letter that floats to the top of the screen, which you have to fly out and grab. Grab enough of these to spell "Go Honey" and you get to end a level early. The level ends when you've cleared all the blocks. If you get mismatched blocks, however, the blocks come back out to the playfield in a new order and you have to try again.

This could actually be a challenging setup if implemented cleverly, but the first few levels are patently obvious, and from there it only requires little imagination to free blocks. The only other challenge comes from the timer, usually a character who looks suspiciously like Bomberman doing stuff like drilling through a layer of rock or flailing as rising water threatens to drown him. This gets a little faster as the game goes on, but never really represents a real threat to you.

The "cookie" you are playing for is, of course, nudie GIFs which are uncovered and illuminated once you clear the playfield. This seems to be the usual gamut of shots stolen from stroke magazines of the 80s and early 90s. There's 20 or so girls, and probably the best part of the game is the Engrishy digitized voice that exclaims "Select Da Wo-man!" every time you return to pick your latest conquest.

Oddly enough, for a porn arcade game, there is actually the semblance of original gameplay here, and the timer animations are cute (if pirate-alicious.) The game never really follows through and makes the premise work really well, however, so it just ends up being another of those forgotten oddball cultural relics for anthropologists with an interest in pixel perversion to study for the future.

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