CASTELIAN / The Sales Curve / NES
 
 
I guess when a game is published by "The Sales Curve", your expectations should start out pretty low. But even with that, this game is unforgivably atrocious.

It actually has kind of a neat faux-Mode 7 thing that it does to make the tower rotate as you move around it. Sadly the play control and layout are balls, and the rules of the game are initially completely inexplicable, forcing you to die repeatedly just to figure out what the fuck is going on. So you're Pete's Dragon or something, and all you can do is lob ping pong balls at the enemy. You start the game by walking forward 3 steps, then unceremoniously getting dumped to your death by a fake floor that is totally unmarked in any way. Apparently you can't jump, so the only way to avoid this fate is to duck into every door you see as soon as you reach it, which teleports you farther up the tower. Soon random quarks and the Annoying Orange are harassing you as well, however. All of which is complicated more by the fact that you move and turn like a slug.

Further, how you're supposed to handle the enemies makes absolutely no sense, and at times the rules seem to randomly change from enemy to enemy. Some of the Annoying Oranges can be shot to death. Some will spazzily flash black-and-white for a while and freeze before returning to normal. The flying quark things remain fixed in place even when you enter a door and scroll around to the other side or up the tower ... champion programming there.

Apparently this began life as a European PC game and it was much better, it got a bunch of hackjob console ports. I guess we can thank Sales Curve for butchering it up (whoever the hell they were.) Whatever the case, this is one of the worst games on NES. Avoid.
 
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