BRAD STALLION: PLANET OF LUST / Free Spirit / PC
 
                                         Here's a face that no lady can resist!

Picture a first-person Space Quest series, but every game in it is really short, and totally not funny at all. You also get bizarrely colored graphics that make every human character look like a mutant or a furry. And there's a handful of women that have sex with you for simple actions like eating an apple or giving them water. That's the Brad Stallion series!

Anyway, this was a series by some fly-by-night company called Free Spirit Software. Back in the CGA/EGA days you could basically get away with making any piece of shit, calling it a "porn game" and at least getting some attention. As to someone actually jerking it to this game, well ...
 


Erooo! Looks like a carcass from Manhunter! Sadly, this is probably the hottest pic in the whole series.

Brad Stallion flies around in some giant ship that looks like a dong and balls, which is actually pretty gay when you think about it. In spite of that and his gay porn star name, he flies around the universe having sex with women and saving planets from really, really simplistic plots of destruction. Of course, since the women always looks like corpses and furries who knows whats really going on here, Brad's probably locked up in a padded room somewhere imagining all this.

I honestly don't know which game this is in the series and I don't think it matters.
 
                  This isn't a one-time typo, the game actually spells it "cloths."
                  If you try to type "clothes" the parser doesn't understand you.

Graphical problems should be pretty evident from the screenshots, but the funny thing is there's other screens in the game that are colored properly, so who knows what was going on with the art here - some kind of amateur hackjob, maybe copying and scanning stuff. The main thing is that it's supposed to be an erotic game and yet the women look like bizarre creatures, and the main character just looks outright frightening. There doesn't seem to be any sound at all.

The game is tiny and only takes like 10 minutes to complete, the only challenge is in a bunch of random deaths just sitting around. Well, that, and the fact that the parser is so narrow and obtuse that you can spend hours guessing at how to tell the game to do something. Caveman-like grunts ("Blast! Sex!") actually end up being the best option in most situations. Without a manual, commands for even basic things like scrolling the text description for each room or starting a new game are almost impossible to figure out.
There's only two nude pics and they look like bad scans from some softcore porn magazine (you can see both the pics here ... that's literally all the "erotic" content of the game)

Well, I can't see how nothing but Fs can add up to anything but an F. This game not only totally fails at being a porn game, it basically fails at ... well, everything. It even kind of fails at being heterosexual, I mean look at Biff Stiff's ship or whatever.
 
 
Videos :
 
 
* Gameplay Video - Apparently this actually looks alright on the Amiga and the DOS port was just a sloppy hackjob






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