VIGILANTE / Irem / Turbografx 16

Oh man .... well, this is a bad game, but it least it gave me a chuckle or three. I think it's the spiritual or possibly even the actual sequel to Kung Fu Master, which was the Arcade/NES game that had you side scrolling through a sort of Game of Death-like temple kicking and punching the crap out of hordes of charging clones.

Anyway, in this one ... MADONNA HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED! Ah well .... if it were the President I wouldn't even bother, that goofnuts is on his own. Hopefully it's the attractive 80's Madonna and not scary modern version .... wait hmm looks more like Shirley Temple .... good thing there aren't any police in this city because our bud here would probably be looking at some time for carnal knowledge!

"Take the power into your own hands!" Yeah! The hell with due process, let's kick some face!

Anyway, so you fight your way through five levels of The Skinheads in stiff and repetitive style trying to catch the van that sped off with Madonna. Thing is, it's like parked at the end of each level and I think the driver keeps falling asleep or something, but VIGILANTE never makes any attempt to open up the rear door or anything. Instead you fight a series of bosses that are really annoying, because they only let you hit them when they arbitrarily choose to. In the first level you take on Hobo Pete, after first quickly dispatching his bodyguard Eagle (from Street Fighter). Pete is by far the easiest boss of the game though, you back him up against his van and launch a non stop stream of face kicks that he doesn't seem to have the technique to break. Later on it gets a lot worse - like with the Chris Penn twins you fight at the end of Level 2, you can stand next to one and kick him like five times in a row and your foot just goes right through him and doesn't ever register a hit. At least Mohawk Sloth on Level 3 has the decency to twitch in some halfass blocking animation....

So, all the levels you scroll from left to right and the gameplay is essentially the same as that of Kung Fu Master. Instead of hordes of Chinese Huggers this time you are up against the Face Feelers, a gang of redhead dudes who appreciate a close shave and want to admire your baby-soft skin firsthand. This rapidly drains your Manliness Meter though, especially when three or four of them latch onto you simultaneously. The bosses all use the same old Greek man voice clip ("Ay, come on!") and um ... what else can I tell you? I have no idea what happens at the end because it's way too hard for me to get past the fourth level, but I'm guessing VIGILANTE rescues Madonna and gets to continue with his child predator ways. What fun!

Videos :

* Gameplay Video