SEXY SEASIDE BEACHBALL / Lemmy & Binky Games / PC

Sexy Seaside Beachball is a fantastic deconstruction of Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball, which was basically the gold standard for games about watching busty women flounce around in bikinis. Being at least passingly familiar with that game is pretty much a requirement for appreciating this one; if you don't have the right console, don't want to waste the money or simply are too embarrassed to be seen buying it, you can always catch up with some videos on Youtube.

Anyway, from the author's description of the game -

"You've come to Mick's Island believing there to be a big fighting tournament. But oh noes! You've been lied to! He's just pretended there was so he could invite all the sexy girl fighters to his island to do a rape, probably."

Fortunately, you don't ever seem to run into Mick and his perverted machinations. You'll spend a week on the island - divided up into three turns per day - where you spend time mostly playing games with the other girls to increase their affection for you. Winning games also wins you money, which you can then use to buy presents to further get the girls to enjoy your company. I don't think it ever leads to any pixelicious action, but your rating with each of the girls affects their dialogue with you at the end of the game.

The game shoots for an emulation of the ZX Spectrum, which unfortunately no one in North America either owned or ever heard of. The more natural comparison that anyone outside of Europe is going to draw is to that of the Commodore 64, but apparently this gets nerds in an uproar. Sorry, nerds. Anyway, there is noticeable breast jiggle, which is probably some sort of a technical world record of some sort, but the game is so devoid of detail (and nipples) that I can't see it being offensive to anyone. Dunno if I would try playing it at work, though.

This also means the gameplay is pretty stiff and basic. The actual Beachball game is pretty much like Atari 2600 Volleyball, but even more prone to bizarre AI movements and glitching. There's another mini-game called Pool Hop that is slightly more entertaining, basically punching a series of button presses in as fast as possible. There's also a simple slot machine you can play for a (not so good) chance at increasing your holdings each night. The funny thing is, though, this is really the essence of the game it breaks down, minus the lovingly rendered lady bits and triple mip mapped anti-aliased backgrounds.

It really isn't the gameplay that is the main draw here, but the laughs at the concept and the dialogue (which is worth putting some effort into the game to see.) Thus not the most longevous game, but easily worth the small download for some chuckles. Apparently it was thrown together in a few weeks for an impromptu "de-makes" competition last year ... perhaps if there's enough interest the author might see fit to revisit it and actually make the Beachball bit of it fun to play.

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