DEAD OR ALIVE PARADISE / Tecmo / PSP

I've only ever played a few minutes of the original DOA: Beach Volleyball, so the whole franchise is kinda new to me. If DOA Paradise is any indication of what to expect from it, however, I'm grateful I haven't wasted any more time than this with it.

In case you're still confused somehow after purchasing this, the very unambiguous opening video lets you know what you're here for by starting you off with some jiggling bikini tits followed by a close-up on a sandy bum. We're here to ogle unrealistic women in a beach paradise setting, unfortunately, as it turns out, by being subjected to a lot of shit mini-games along the way.



After picking a DOA lady to be your primary character, you're forced into a tutorial mode that goes over some of the game's main aspects. One of the other girls will randomly attach herself to you to be your "partner", following you around all day (apparently for the sole purpose of giving you a regular volleyball partner.) The first thing you learn about is "Venus Mode." You get into this by going to the shop and buying presents for the girls, who apparently each have very particular tastes. Buy a present they like (and with the arbirtrary wrapping paper color they like too!) and they may indulge you in a minute or two of frolicking in some natural setting while in swimwear, in which you can take all the pervy pictures you like and litter up the memory card with embarassing screenshots.

Next we are packed off to the clumsy volleyball game. I thought this was supposed to be the main draw of the series, but apparently it was de-emphasized here because the PSP version of it is clunky and awful. It's not the absolute WORST game of volleyball I've ever played, but I was fully tired of it after one match.

At night you can go to the casino and play blackjack and poker. I guess these are competent enough in and of themselves, but they're ruined by the insipid voice clips the chipper dealer constantly spouts off, and the constant load delays between hands, even DURING hands when you get asked if you want insurance. Speaking of the voice work, the tone all the ladies deliver all their lines in is hideous. It's the most saccharine, insipid and pandering tone you can imagine ... picture the girls from the "Raisins" episode of South Park and that's really close.

I guess the other main mini-game is Pool Hopping, which is one of the worst things ever made. It's like a QTE, basically, but a horrible one. There's probably more stuff but after Pool Hopping I just completely gave up, the game was showing me absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever and I didn't want to waste any more of my time on it. It just fails at everything. It even fails at being basic T&A, with unerotic character models with stiff faces and rubbery bodies with unnatural "bounce" giving a bit of an "uncanny valley" sort of vibe. There's even horrid sub-Madonna techno music blaring on nearly every screen for extra shit sauce. This game completely deserves its awful reputation, it's just wrong on every possible level. AVOID.

Videos :

* Gameplay Video





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